Can I just be honest about something.....

Ya know what? - I don't fit in where I used to.

I'm not writing this blog to separate myself. I'm not writing it to hurt anyone's feelings or to make anyone look bad. I am writing this blog because I am learning...and I even though what I am learning and the way I have to learn it is sometimes isolating and always frustrating, I can't just stop myself from growing...and I shouldn't want to.

I am on a journey. Thats a lot of what life is, right? It should be. Hopefully we are always seeking to gain knowledge and understanding of truth. Hopefully we are always striving to know what our Father in heaven wants for us. Hopefully we are always looking at the life of our Savior for guidance. Hopefully we are always journeying.

I have been "coming to grips" with a lot of things lately. Things regarding what I see in the Christians AND Non-Christians around me and around the world and in myself. Things that I see in humanity. Things that I see in history and in the Bible. LOTS of things.

I think it's a good thing. But it's a hard thing as well.

I PRAY that no one reads this and thinks I am trying to make it seem like I am better than anyone else or that I think I have all the answers. I am simply writing this because on one hand - I'm tired of feeling like I can't admit it to many people because they don't get it, and on the other hand - because I have found that while I feel isolated and alone in this, there are really a lot of people who are thinking through the same things.

Actually... I have written and erased a few paragraphs already. This is something that is hard to put into words, but I want to make something clear. I am not doubting my faith in God or my faith in Jesus. In fact, that relationship is what I feel has been stirring my thinking.

I believe that there is truth...and it just seem like so much gets added to it and taken away from it, even by (maybe especially by) "well meaning" christians - some who I have respected and listened to, and I don't understand it. And ya know what - all I feel like I can do at this point is to keep looking at the life of Jesus.

When I look at Him, I see what it should be about. He loved - despite any specific qualities or appearances. He taught - with passion and purpose to encourage and guide and turn lives around. He wasn't tricked by money or power or looks. He spent his time living what he taught. His message was clear, but that didn't mean that he avoided certain people because they weren't "right". He went to the poor. Did I mention that he wasn't impressed by $$ and POWER and LOOKS??? Did I mention that He LOVED and gave HOPE???

These are topics that I think the church has, rightfully so, focused a lot of discussion on, but I have realized something. So often we talk about how money shouldn't matter or how someone's background or current situation shouldn't matter but ya know what - we don't live that out. We don't love people even though they are in a tough spot or worse off than we consider ourselves . We wait for someone else to do it. Or we tell ourselves it's their own fault and we actually even look at them and say "they did what God tells us not to do and thats what they get". We don't act like money doesn't matter. And some of our churches are so much about being "up and coming" and "attractive" that from the outside - it looks like they are telling the world that IS what it's about.

What if we werent worried about that?? What if we acted like Jesus? What if we simply loved people? Without making an example of them and without degrading them. Without our chests puffing up a little because we made better choices or we grew up in a better situation and we were "blessed" to be able to help them. Hey - what if there was no "US & THEM"?!

I have met lots of people who spend their time loving and teaching and helping...but I have met a whole lot more who seem to THINK that they work for the good of others....but whose actions do not show it. I have been one of them at times in my life and I am now trying to make sure that I am never that person again. I mess up, but I hope no one would ever feel "less" around me. And I have realized that a lot of my traditional church up-bringing that was/is pretty standard around here can actually isolate others from us in so many ways that we don't even realize.

I have had several conversations lately with people that I know and love that leave me....i guess frustrated is the right word. We are sometimes so quick to super-spiritualize things to the point that I don't even think we see the truth behind it all. And that is NOT what this life and this relationship with the Father is about. It's not about hushing things up with words that sound good. It's not about not letting people feel things.

Does that make any sense to anyone but me?

Do you know what the Bible says about Jesus? (lots I know, but this verse is standing out to me right now)

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus Christ; who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." Phil 2:5-7

Do you know what that means to me? Jesus never expected people to act better around him or treat him as though they understood that he was God. He became a servant to all people. Do we really understand the "attitude of Jesus Christ"? I feel like we so often think that means - BE NICE, or something equally shallow.

Holy cow, what if we Christians all actually sought to understand this and to live it out?

I am blessed to know people who do. So even though my eyes have been opened and I now see a lot that does not display Christ's love in the church, I can more clearly see what is real and I can learn from it. And I am thankful that God takes us on journey's. I am even thankful that those journeys are hard - because if they were easy I don't think my passion would be as stirred by what I learn along the way.

Did I lose any of you? If so, sorry, but I just felt like if this is my blog - I shouldn't feel like I can't write what I am really thinking just because I don't think others will get it or agree with it. I'm done with that. :)

Thank you to the people I know who area truly displaying the love of Christ - to everyone.

I guess sometimes not fitting in with the same crowd doesn't mean you don't fit in anywhere.. :)